Two Years Too Sad

So today was the big day; 2 years since Alexis died. I actually did ok with it (surprisingly). Making the memorial video was very cathartic. There's something about playing (over and over while you rework the video) the song that makes you weep in pile on the floor. By the time the video is done, you're all cried out and you've practically rendered the song useless. Practically! I think all the build up to the anniversary day is what gets me all worked up. I'm making a conscious effort to move on and get back to happy.  It's hard though because moving on means letting go and letting go means you start to forget things and I dont ever want to forget any single aspect of her. Holding on means she's here with me, not really gone. I dunno sounds kinda stupid but I think that's why I've been holding on to my grief for dear life for two years. If I let go, she's really REALLY gone.  But I'm sick of being sad to be honest and I need to be fair to Elvis to let him take up a place in my heart. I need to be fair to myself too. I need to be fair to Dave who's been putting up with me.

(unfortunately blogspot won't let me upload my video tribute WTF)

One Year Forward, Two Years Back

Monday will be two years since Alexis died. I KNOW you're all sick of hearing about it...you want ELVIS stories. tuff shit!  Not a single solitary day goes by that I don't think about her. And it's not just once a day it's ALL FUCKING DAY.  I'm such a mess. Still Angry! It's like she just died. I feel no further ahead than I did last year at this time. And that pisses me off! I'm trying so hard. I read my blog post from her one year anniversary and I was all "I'm feeling better, moving on, wonderful life, blah blah blah" ...shut the fuck up one-year-ago-Amy! I so feel like i was a step ahead back then and now I'm two thousand steps back. It's probably just the anniversary that's getting to me. (And it doesn't help that Monday is also the 7 year anniversary of my brothers death too)  I'm sure once the date passes I'll be able to move on a little more. (there's the optimistic Amy i know poking her head out!)   I'm sure I'll post something on Monday so I'll see you then!  Can't wait to see what next years anniversary post looks like.   

GREAT!

This is an amazing video. (Even if it IS by  Purina; the worst dog food on the planet--Insert gagging noises here). If you're ever feeling overwhelmed by your new dog or puppy because he isn't great yet, just watch this video and listen to the song by Tony Rogers to remind you what it's all about and to keep looking ahead to the big picture; you're raising a good dog to be a GREAT dog. It might not be great right this second, but you will get there if you keep at it. I promise!  

Baby Boy Lost

You turned 9 months old today. Boy how time flies and bodies grow! I walked into the bedroom and there you were all curled up in a ball sleeping so sweetly in your crate (on an heirloom quilt by the way; so spoiled!) It catches me off guard how big you are now, nearly 75lbs.  Where did my little tiny baby boy go?

 

Walkin In A Winter Wonderland

Close to 500,000 people in Southeastern Massachusetts are without power after Blizzard of 2013 "Nemo" ... stupid name! I can't believe they're naming winter storms now...everyone loves to name things; their car, their gun, their fish, hurricanes and now snow storms. Hmmmm makes me think back to my 2009  "What's In A Name" blog post. Man, that thing comes up all the time! It's some of my best work. Anyway, I was getting off track...where was i? Oh yes, people without power. So there they are huddled around the fireplace or wood stove, wrapped in twelve blankets, taking showers at friends-with-heat houses or abandoning their homestead for warmer refuge all the while cursing Nstar or National Grid or Middleboro Gas and Electric, swearing as God as their witness that they WILL get a generator this time and never go electricity-less again! (in a southern accent of course) Everyone....except...ELVIS! I swear he doesn't know he's a Doberman. He thinks he's a Husky or Norwegian Elk Hound or some other double coated fur ball because he's been frolicking in the snow for five days now. Even during our own 15 hour power outage, which is nothing compared to some people who are going on their fifth day without power, he was having a blast running around in the snow, sitting by the fire, trying to make chew toys of the wood pile. He was so bizzy frolicking that he didn't even notice that the tennis balls went on hiatus due to the inevitability of getting lost til spring in two feet of snow. We (ha! Dave) even snowblowed a maze for him in the back yard and what does Elvis do? He bounds out of the maze and trudges his way through the chest-deep snow to get the fallen sticks and branches that are sticking straight up out of the snow. The boy ain't right i tell ya! But I just love how very little phases him.

The HVAC guys help train my dog

nyumm nyumm nyumm

 

There's nothing like having new duct work installed in your house and using it as an all day training exercise for your puppy!  I know alot of dogs that would be freaked out by all the banging, the drilling, the coming & going (and there's even some singing). OH but not Elvis! It's a chance for him to make friends and follow them around the house and then ambush them when they're kneeling on the floor to smell their caps and lick their ears (and of course whine when they go back downstairs and stop paying attention to him). For me it's a good chance to work on his social skills and how NOT to jump on people when they come over...and a good chance to work on his recall. Every time the workers come up from the basement Elvis runs to greet them, then I call him back (and he comes a'runnin).  I'm also throwing in a little "gently take a treat from my mouth" training. Mmmm salty! (closed course; professional driver; dont try this at home!)  Gonna go through ALOT of treats today....They didn't put THAT in the work estimate!

Shameless plug:  Silvia HVAC 508-946-5377  ask for Colleen or Bob and tell 'em Amy & Elvis sent you!

DOOPIE

Well, time has flown by and my once little, baby-boy Elvis is turning into quite the handsome young man. At 8 months old (today) and 71 lbs he's as big as most of the adult dogs in daycare so needless to say when he's done a'growin he's going to be a beast. A sweet beast though.  He's just so happy and lovable all the time and just wants to play, play, play. He's great with other dogs and shares his toys and food; well maybe share isn't the word. It's more like he taunts the other dogs to chase him with his food and toys in a very na-na-na-na-naa-na-you-can't-get-me way. But when he's done being silly, he's not possessive of toys and food. His favorite toy is, you guessed it, a tennis ball. The world stops for a tennis ball. Sure, he'll settle for some other cylindrical object but a tennis ball is the Pièce de résistance. Oh and sticks. He loves a good stick. Hey, he's a green dog what can I say; very concerned about the environment.  And the burning question you're all wondering is how many nick-names does he have? Oh you people know me so well! Mostly I call him Baby-Boy (pronounced b-a-a-a-yby boy) but I also call him Doopie. I know; you're thinking wtf is doopie? Well, let me explain...When I take him outside to do his "business" I tell him to do peepie-poopie-doodies and that kind of morphed into go poopie-doops then into poopie doopie.  POOF the nickname Doopie was born like a five pound baby mud cat. Oh i know you think I'm nuckin futs, who doesn't? But if you think that's nuts you should really read one of my very early blog posts Whats In A Name and you'll fully understand the depths of my lunacy. And by the way spell checker is going to have a field day with this post! I keep spellchecker employed for sure....hope she doesn't ask for a raise. 

Apologies to my blog fans

I KNOW! I KNOW! I don't blog enough. This business of only posting once every couple of months has gotta stop!  I'm trying though! Even though we have a new puppy, I've just sort of lost my zest for blogging when Alexis died, because after all this blog was inspired by her and mostly about her. It's kinda like crashing your car and you get a new one;  sure, you're happy with the new one but that nostalgic disappointment looms in the background over the old one.  But now with Elvis puppy I'm trying to get back to my Wonderful Life, even if wonderfully slow. I've been feeling pretty good lately but I do still think of Alexis every day! Every night when my head hits the pillow I say "good night Folena Phalandri" ... which if you've been following my blog since the beginning and you read the crazily-thought-provoking Whats In A Name  post you'll know who Folena Phalandri is.  For those of you that are new to my blog, you'll have to scroll back in time to catch up. Go ahead, we'll wait. Meanwhile, I'll work on some posts. See ya soon!

Baby Boy Elvis

It's been about 3-1/2 months since we got our Doberman puppy, Elvis and it's been quite a ride so far. The first 2 weeks were pretty darn easy; too easy! It led me into a false sense of security that we had a magic puppy, kinda like those magic Jack And The Bean Stock beans.  He (Elvis, not Jack) was pretty mellow and well behaved (which is typical for any dog in a new setting; you won't see their true personality right away until they settle in). We didn't really work on any training; we just wanted him to be a DOG for the first week or so before the "Amy's no funny business" rules kicked in.  The weeks that followed however were a bit hellacious for me. Keep in mind that I'm raising a puppy while trying to keep 8-10 dogs in-check with daycare, two of which where young pups also so I feel a bit like the old lady who lived in a shoe...She had so many children she didn't know what to do! At one point i literally threw myself on the bed screaming at Dave like a toddler having a fit "I can't do this anymooooooore!"  (oh such a drama queen) I hadn't raised a puppy in 13 years and quite honestly I had put Alexis on such a freaking high pedestal that she could have touched the clouds. In my delusionally perfect relationship with Alexis i totally blocked out how much trouble she gave me as a puppy. I remember now!

Once we did start training him I was a little concerned that I got the stoopidest puppy in the litter. It was taking him the longest time to learn the most basic commands like sit and down. Not having raised a male doberman before, I consulted with the breeder and she confirmed that the boyz where not quite as sharp as the girlz in the puppy world; (kinda like how it is in the human world DOH!) So training will take a wee bit longer with this dog, that's all.  But on the flip side of females being smarter, they tend to be bitchy and boys are more friendly. Ain't that the truth...in the dog world AND people world. (Hey it's equal opportunity bashing here folks) Elvis was living up to that; nothing but a love bug. He loves people.  All people! He loves dogs. All dogs! He loves everything! A little too much; he gets so excited to see people that he just goes bonkers and knocks them around in his excitement. So, yeah, this is gonna take a while...And every ounce of patience I've got!. 

Baby Pictures

5 weeks old ... so freakin cute!

9 weeks old, car ride to his new home

First day of daycare

The boy loves boxes, what can i say!?

Trip to Houghtons Pond, Canton MA

Time to move on

There's no turning back now...we are picking up our new doberman puppy tomorrow! Not gonna lie, lots of mixed emotions going on. Not really sure why but I try not to question emotions; i just let them ride usually. They have a way of working themselves out most times. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride for both Dave and I. Losing Alexis was next to impossible for me and losing Annabelle was especially hard on Dave, who never really got over losing Cornelius.  But the universes wheels were in motion and it was about to take us for a ride. 

Alexis' breeder Kris, just had her first litter of pups in five years so I wanted to go see and play and get my dobie fix. Dave, however, had other plans unbeknownst to me. Now there's a funny word; un-be-knownst! Anyway....Dave and I agreed months ago that it was his turn to pick the next dog and some time after that we would get me another Doberman. We also agreed that we would get in one more trip before we got another dog. However, apparently Dave and the universe had other plans. We had lost Alexis a little over a year ago and just lost Annabelle in May and we were dogless for the first time in our nearly 20 year marriage. I had all my daycare and boarding dogs so i got my regular dog fix and could easily fulfil my end of the bargain and wait til next year to get another dog. Dave on the other hand was really missing having that connection with a family dog.  Try as I may to come running to the door, jumping on and licking him, it just wasn't the same and he missed having a dog greet him at the door every day after work. So, little-did-i-know (the cousin to unbeknownst) that when I told Dave we were going to visit said litter of puppies he already had it in his head that we were getting another dog. So we went, we saw, we played with the pups for two hours and even hypothetically picked one out all the while knowing (ha!) in my head that we weren't ready for a dog. Imagine my shock and amazement after playing with seven of the cutest little five week old doberman pups when Kris said "so are you gonna take him?" and just as I'm about to say we'll think about it, Dave gave her an unequivocal, without hesitation "YES."  I was like what-what-WHAT? I must have asked him "are you sure" a hundred times! He was sure. I took a little bit of convincing but once I was on board I was all aboard.  We were getting a puppy and his name would be ELVIS. We'd be able to take him home when he was 9 weeks old.  I was thrilled and excited. Every day was filled with anticipation like a little kid waiting for Christmas to hurry up and just get here already! UNTIL, that is we went back to visit him a few more times and I saw how rambunctious and multi-directional these pups were and they were nothing like my more docile, perfect Alexis as I hold her up there on her proverbial pedestal. I realized, jeeeeezus I haven't had a puppy in 13 years, what the hell am I doing? I've been stressed out about it for the last week worrying if I have it in me to raise another dog, worrying if we'll have the same connection that Alexis and I had, worrying that he'll hate me like Annabelle did. Worrying that I'm stomping on Alexis' memory by getting another dog.  Well I guess stressed out is putting it mildly, more like FREAKING out. UNTIL yesterday...

I have a few dogs boarding this week and for the most part they are confined to the kitchen and playroom with a baby gate and not allowed to roam the rest of the house but once in a while I'll let one in the living room with me. (sshhhhh don't tell Dave) Yesterdays lucky visitor was Remy. I sat on the couch watching my soaps (Bold & The Beautiful and Days of our Lives if you must know) while Remy sniffed around the room and eventually came over and settled by me next to the couch in that wiggly "oh please just touch me" way he has. I draped my arm around him. As long as I was touching him he was happy. And then I knew, this is how it's going to be with Elvis. We will be connected. He will love me.  Remy only boards once or twice a year and this was a very unexpected, last minute visit. I'm a firm believer that God doesn't bring us what we want, he brings us what we need when we need it. I really needed Remy to be here just before we got our pup to show me what I'm missing and to look forward to what will go right with the new pup instead of worrying about what could go wrong.  

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

'Had a hard time naming a title for this post. Any of the ones bouncing around in my head that were fighting each other for the prized spot could have worked;  "Getting back on the horse" ... "Taking the plunge"  ... "OMG OMG OMG OMG"   Why all the angst you ask? Because we just picked out a new puppy, THAT'S why! It's been a year and three months since we lost Alexis and only a little over a month since we lost Annabelle so moving on has been emotional to say the least.

Alexis' breeder had a new litter for the first time in five years and was doing a litter showing yesterday so we went to see the pups. Just taking a look! Just browsing! No intention of picking one out but if it happened, it happened. But apparently there were other forces in the universe that I knew nothing about and it's name is DAVE.  He had been missing having a dog around but our agreement was that he got to pick the next breed and I would wait my turn and hold my horses for another Doberman. I was perfectly fine with that.  We had also agreed to wait til next spring and try to get in one more major trip before we hunkered down with dogs again. Both of these agreements fell apart like signing a contract with a minor.  The puppies were adorable. DUH! that's redundant. Of course they were adorable. It's like saying supermodels are pretty. It doesn't need to be said. So we played these no-need-for-description puppies for about two hours...well it was more like we got licked and crawled on by seven adorable little 4week old puppies that smelled like puppy feet and newspapers. Oops redundancy again, sorry! There was one red male in the bunch and he was the sweetest cuddliest little thing. He kept climbing into my zip sweater to cuddle. But MAN was he a whiner! He whined the whole time. He whined as he sat on the ground. He whined when he walked around. He whined himself to sleep. He even whined that there was nothing to whine about. I would have picked him but whining is one of my many doggie pet peeves and i think he would have driven me absolutely batty!  Then there was this other black male who seemed pretty quiet and calm, liked to be picked up that seemed to stay by my side much of the time we were there. So after handling all of the pups and hanging out with them getting to know them I picked this little guy. I think he picked me before I picked him but that's ok.  He even agreed to it by peeing on my foot.

One Year Later

Sunday will be a year since Alexis died. There I said it. One whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,766 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,556,925 seconds. Count it out however you want Google, for me it's been an eternity in hell yet somehow seems like yesterday that I watched her die. Quite possibly the toughest year I've had in a long time, if not ever. I've lost many people and pets in my lifetime and I always bounce back. Always! But Alexis was special in so many ways for so many reasons. For starters she was my very first doberman that I raised from a puppy. That's no snub to Tzeal that I adopted some 20 plus years ago and all the Dobies I grew up with. Second Alexis and I were so deeply connected that I swear she could read my mind. No, really! I could be in the other room and call to her mentally and she would come. Or I could be laying in bed and her across the room on the floor and i would quietly reach out my hand and mentally call her and she would awake and climb into bed with me. (Ok crazy Amy tell us another one!)

I finally feel like I'm coming out of the grief-fog that has enveloped my life like mist on a swamp. I dont cry EVERY day anymore. Although it wouldn't take much to get me sobbing (one of "our songs") or teary eyed (seeing someone walking their Dobie down the street). I dont think of her every single second; more like every other minute. I don't quite feel anymore as though this has been a really, really long bad dream. My words are trepedatious. I dare not say I'm over it, not over her. That won't happen for a long time, if ever. But atleast I feel like I'm moving on and letting go even if just a little bit. I wonder what this time next year will feel like?

I often wonder if i got jipped or lucked out with the way she died. Although she was almost 12 years old when she passed, you'd never know it. She was otherwise healthy, active, vibrant and youthful. No arthritis, not much gray in her muzzle, no chronic illness that would normally bestow an older dog. People and veterinarians could not believe she was nearly 12 years old. They always guessed around 5 years old. I loved to play that "guess how old she is" game! Her vibrance was my greatest accomplishment. I'm so used to watching my dogs grow old and feeble, using up every drop of life that was left and then taking them to their final sleep when the time was right and be left with that feebleness as the last memory. That's how it was always done. That's how it's SUPPOSED to be done. I don't know if watching her fade away would have been any easier than her sudden departure but I do know that Alexis will always be young. She will always be beautiful. For that I am greatful.

aaahhhhh Vacation!!!!!!

As much as I love dogs and all my surrogate dogs and all my customers and as much as I love my real estate job and all the agents I work with, everyone needs a break once in a while. Pretty much for the entire months of June, July and August I'm working 7 days a week. This time of year produces nary a day off so after a long, hot, sticky, bizzy summah when my annual time off finally comes at the end of august thru labor day I'm literally ready to kill someone. No-yeah, LITERALLY! Shoot I hope I don't actually kill someone--Now that I've put it in writing it could be misconstrued as pre-meditated (life in jail) rather than a simple manslaughter (10 to 20). I don't want to see another dog, a poop, a wee-wee, a dog hair or a dog toy! I don't want to get another email or phone call or purchase and sale agreement or chase down another single document. I don't want to see or talk to another person in the human race. This time of year I shut it all down. No email, no face book, no phone calls, no friends, no nuthin' ... just me & hubby chilaxin! After all isnt' that what you all do when you go to your Cancun's and Bahama's and Turks & Cacaos and Cruises and Aruba's? Why should a staycation be any different?! That's how we recharge and refresh our brains! And my brain needs some serious recharging! SEE YOU IN 12 DAYS! Enjoy the rest of summah! Have a happy & safe Labor day!

Keratin Hair Adventure

This post has nothing to do with dogs...how refreshing...but you know me, I'm sure I'll fit in something about DOGS somewhere.

After hearing about Keratin treatments for the last several months and asking my hairdresser a thousand annoying questions about it I decided to go for the Keratin Express. How could i NOT do it; she gives me a huge discount because I take care of her dog! Plus I love her, she's awesome! Keratin treatments for those of you that don't know is a chemical that's put on your hair, then it's blow dried and flat ironed to seal it in. It fills in any gaps and dry spots and smooths the hair shaft to make it straighter, shinier and less frizzy and is also supposed to help your color last longer. Keratin Express lasts around 6 weeks. The full Keratin treatment lasts several months. The more you do it the longer it lasts each time as the chemical builds up on your hair. You have to use a special sulfate-free shampoo which I already have but I ordered the Wen Shampoo online. It won't arrive til next week and I'm NOT waiting that long to wash my hair! And yes, in addition to being a dogaholic, I'm a shopaholic. SEE i told you I work dog into this post! OK enough education on Keratin treatments. This is my keratin express hair diary:

Day one: Just stepped out of the salon and OMFG! My hair looks freaking amazing. I need to go clubbin or something to show this shit off! (i know--i'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but DANG this shit needs to be showed OFF! And besides I told you a long time ago I make up my own rules when I blog) My hair is soft like buttah! and stick straight and feels thick! I have some fun funky colors in there too (pinks & dark purples) so i totally look like a rock star! I couldn't resist texting a few friends a pic of my new hair. Here see for yourself:

Rock star, am I right??? LOL

Day two: Slept on my hair and MAN is it flat today. Flatter than yesterday! Not sure I like day two but the softness it out of this world! Not gonna wash it for a few days just to preserve the treatment. (I only wash it every 2nd or 3rd day anyway). By end of the day I'm DYING to wash my hair to get the residue out but that's just me. I can't even stand hairspray in my hair. I don't use many products and if I do they are light such as leave in conditioner spray or anti-frizz spray. No mousse, gels or hairspray for me. Which is a sharp contrast to my party days of the 90's...WHERE'S MY AQUA NET??!! Yes it was I that killed the ozone layer! Oopsie, sorry about that.

Day three: Goin to the beach today so no real reason to wash my hair but i need a shower bad so I'm just gonna rinse it while I'm in the shower. ...OMG my curls are like gone! Did I just sound like a valley girl or WHAT? My hair is wavy but I can't be confused with Shirley Temple any longer. On the good ship lollypop!

Day four: Pony tail for work. Hair definitely looks a little greasy but it still feels so soft. I MUST wash it tomorrow for sure! I ordered the Wen Shampoo from QVC but it won't be here til net week (that will hafta be another product review blog post) so I'll be using my Enjoy Sulfate-free Shampoo and conditioner. The conditioner is DABOMB!

Day five: MUST....WASH....HAIR!!!!! ok I've gone four days without washing my hair and I'm freaking out. Can't take it anymore! BRB after my shower.........wash, rinse, repeat. ((play theme from Jeopardy here)). I'm BACK! The Keratin treatment is supposed to hold in color but some of my color isn't really permanent color--it's more play color, so just like before it looks like I killed a purple dragon in my tub! Purple blood spattered everywhere so that was a little disappointing but on the other hand my permanent auburn hair color for covering gray stayed put. (yes, I just admitted I have grays!) The best surprise so far was that after I towel dried my hair there was hardly any purple color on the towel! Next I just spray in a little leave-in conditioner and anti-frizz and out the door I go for a ride in the convertible. Yeah, that's how I dry my hair in the summer. Wait, back up a minute--I DID put some clothes on in case you thought I missed a step in my post-keratin-shower excitement. Letting it dry naturally, it dried wavy so Keratin treatment does not completely straighten your hair--at least not my hair. However, it's about 70% less curly than my natural hair and there is not one bit of frizz and it's super soft and shiny!! So far I'm loving it. Tomorrow we blow dry! How exciting!

Day six: Today was a miserably rainy muggy humid day--PERFECT for hair experiments! Got up, hit the gym, sweated my arsss off, got caught in a downpour on the way out of the gym and then proceeded to go in and out with the dogs all day. OOOH another dog mention! My hair was in a pony tail all day but there was some frizzing from all the humidadation (made up word--sorry i like to throw those in to make sure you're paying attention). I kept procrastinating my shower in leu of cleaning the house so here I am at 9:09pm just finished the day's hair adventure. The last thing i felt like doing was blow drying my hair but I did promise it to you yesterday so in the shower i went but i didn't wash my hair, just rinsed it. Afterward I combed in my usual spray leave-in conditioner and defrizz (pantene and john frieda if you must know) and blew it dry, no flat iron. And I'm glad i did blow dry it because OMG i'm GAWGEOUS! The dry time is not cut in half but it's definitely dries faster than before the keratin treatment and it's super glossy shiny and soft and there's no frizz at the ends like there would normally be when i blow out my locks. See for yourself below...apparently my laziness supersedes my vanity because I couldn't be bothered to put on make up for the pic so there I am in all my natural glory. So far I'm loving this Keratin treatment. The big test for tonight will be to go outside for a few minutes and see what this muggy weather does to my hair. I'll let you know tomorrow cuz I'm goin to bed!

Day seven: OMG today had to be the frizziest day of the year. I was in and out all day with the doggies (oooh another doggie mention) and not ONE frizz i tell ya! And I got so many compliments on my new hair! This Keratin shiznit is the shiznit!!!!!!!!!! I'm totally hooked! Oh great, another addiction!

OK so you're all wondering what my hair looked like BEFORE the Karatin...here you go: (i'm so freakin brave--i hope you appreciate this!)

Good Grief Charlie Brown

I finally just finished my video tribute to Alexis yesterday. I've been trying to bring myself to work on it for 4 months and just couldn't do it; part procrastination/part denial because if I don't do the video then she's not really gone. I also haven't been blogging consistently for several months either. I didn't want my blog to become a sad graveyard but all I felt like writing about was how sad I am so in typical Amy fashion, i avoided it. But today I got inspired. I was catching up on the Queen of Cuisine's blog posts and read the one about her divorce (I'm such a bad friend and haven't read it in weeks and I know how she loves to get comments) A blog post about a divorce is an odd place to find inspiration, I know, but inspiration can come from anywhere and it usually comes just when you need it. I thought if The Queen, who keeps her feelings closer to her vest than I do, can put it all out there then so can I. That's what a blog is for isn't it? After all it was The Queen who inspired me to start this blog in the first place....And I'm so amazingly fabulous that people want to hear what I have to say whether it's good, bad, happy or sad. RIGHT? LOL I'm so full of myself!

Believe it or not when Alexis died I was perfectly ok with it; alright, maybe not perfectly ok. I bawled but my utter gratitude for having this amazing animal in my life kept me from really feeling any grief at all. (thank you The Secret) After the first several days there was really no crying, just pure gratitude and lots of denial and bits of anger. I literally had to force myself to cry. I was worried at the lack of emotion over losing something that I told myself for 12 years I would not be able to live without. I thought there was something wrong with me but I also knew that my brain was probably in survival mode and the real grief would come soon enough so enjoy this while you can.

Shortly after Alexis died I went to a birthday party for a friend. I was a little nervous to drink because that usually sets emotions free and gets the waterworks started...nope! Shortly after that we went to dinner with friends and ended up at karaoke. Translation; copious amounts of drinking and vomiting but still no crying. Shortly after that was my own birthday party...drinks ahoy, bar hopping, no driving, party-party-party but still no waterworks ...Hey maybe I should have called this blog "My Kingdom For A Drink!" But then slowly somewhere into the 4th month after Alexis died (which seems like a friggin eternity by the way) the sadness has crept up on me. I told Dave I think I'm a little depressed and he said "oh, you're more than just a little depressed." Here I thought I was hiding it so well. I've apparently approached the curled-into-a-ball-weeping-inconsolably stage of grief (no, that's not in the handbook) and I cry every day now. Certain songs make me cry. Certain moments make me cry. Pictures make me cry. I cry driving in my car....hell, a tampon commercial makes me cry! It starts off as a weepy sadness then that burning in your nose starts and then comes the sobbing. I have little control over it so I just let it happen. Yes I'm crying right now in case you were wondering. Tito get me a tissue! (Thank God I still have my sense of humor!) I'm just so lost, weak and broken with out her I don't know what to do. The other night I missed her so bad that I asked her--no, I begged her to come to me in a dream and SHE DID! It was soooo real; she was curled up in bed with me. It was a great dream; one of those dreams that when you woke up you thought it was real...but it triggered a lot of emotion that won't stop rushing to the surface. There's nothing I can do I guess so again in another form of typical Amy fashion, I'll just write about it.

I'm a firm believer in allowing yourself to feel your feelings even if it's only in private when no on else is around. Life is meant to be lived and FELT! That's how we grow, evolve and gain wisdom. I'm also a firm believer that time heals all wounds and I know this too shall pass and I will arrive at that place where a scab has formed on the wound and I can have fond memories of her without crumbling into a heap on the floor. But can someone please tell me when that's supposed to be so I can mark it on my calendar along with the end of the world, hell freezing over and pigs flying, thanks.

The Citronella Bark Collar Experiment

Suffice it to say, in 9 years of doggie daycare the only real PIA barker was none other than my ALEXIS. Sure there's been a few yip yaps here and there but nothing too terribly out of control. Barking is not allowed at D2D and I've done pretty well to hold all the doggies to that rule for 9 years...that is, until Max the Great Dane came along! "Big Mack" I call him! A sweet, goofy, love of a dog but he's a bit on the insecure side and never gets used to the every day noises in his environment so he's always on guard plus he gets so darn excited at the prospect of meeting someone new; at home and at D2D. And it's a big bark too...140 lbs of bark to be precise. He just goes coo-coo-crazy-nuts-for-you when every dog gets dropped off and picked up. As soon as someone pulls in the driveway he starts up. I can usually get him to calm down but the minute I go out the door to greet someone he starts back up and obviously I can't be in two places at once so for the most part there's not a whole heck-of-alot I can do about the barking. Some days I have 10 dogs here so that's 20 barking fits plus when the neighbors go by walking their dogs and the kids on bikes go by. With Max's owners permission I got a citronella bark collar and put it on him today.

He didn't mind the collar being on at all. I ignored the package directions that said to let him get used to the collar for a few days--Who has time for that in this hurry-up-and-wait-I-want-instant-gratification society? Besides, I'm a rebel! Of course my first attempts to psyche him out by knocking on the door and pretending I was talking to someone outside failed to produce a bark. (Alexis ALWAYS fell for that one!) That's always the way isn't it though...you take your car to the mechanic but they can't reproduce that funny sound it's making! So I waited like a hunter in the brush for the the neighbors and their dogs to go for their daily walk; I left the front door open so Max had a clear view. Once he saw them he let out a low bark and the thing sprayed him in the face like a skunk. I half expected him to jump up and hit the ceiling but he just jumped back a bit and I'm preeeetty sure I heard him say "good gawd what in the name of all things four legged was that??" But it shut him right up! So then I led him out into the front yard so he could get a better view as they walked up the street and he let out a little huff bark and SWISH he got another blast. About 10 minutes later they came walking back and by now I think he's picking up on the fact that he shouldn't bark and he lets out a low guttural growl instead and SHHPURT again, the growling immediately stopped. (spell check is gonna hafta work overtime on this post!) So far so good! Let's see what later today brings during doggie pick-up time! Can't wait! Hopefully Max remembers this mornings lesson.

OOH WAIT! unexpected mid-day lesson; the unpredictable sometimes-at-10:00, sometimes-at-noon, sometimes-at-2:00 mailman happened to drive by as we were outside so I let Max have at it. He ran up on the porch, gave a low bark and PHHSSST! Then he ran up to the front gate, gave another low bark and SSHPPPRITZ! So far so good, he never does more than one bark with this collar. Normally he'd go into a bit of a barking frenzy. The true test will still be later on when people start pulling in the driveway for pick up time. So far I'm liking this collar. Very effective. I better refill the citronella to be ready for later.

Oh such disappointment at pick up time! I had such high hopes but Max couldn't contain his excitement when all his doggie friends' parents pulled in the driveway. He barked so much he emptied the citronella reserve at pick up time. I tried again 2 days later when he returned for daycare that week only to repeat the emptying of the citronella reserve at a.m. drop off time. Alas, the citronella bark collar will be hung up on a shelf right there with the pet rock and the dog snuggie.

The Future of MKFAD blog

I'm not really sure about the direction or future of My Kingdom For A Dog blog without Alexis. I have a few draft posts on file about her so I will definitely be finishing those up and posting soon and then see where it all takes me. I still haven't brought myself to be able to work on her photo collage video tribute so that'll be a nice blog post as well. I guess there's still work to be done so the dog show must go on.

Unconditional Love and Unconditional Grief

I wrote this blog post below over a year ago when one of my D2D dogs passed away ... I never published it, not sure why. It's certainly a lighter perspective than the one I have today having lost my precious Alexis. But I know I will return to that perspective again and be able to focus more on celebrating the life and not so much on mourning the death. Not to downplay any ones loss but death is part of life. We must endure the sorrows as well as the joys to fully experience this thing I call a wonderful life.

"2/7/10: People are often caught off guard by how grief stricken they are when they lose a pet. Many people experience more sadness and grief by the loss of a pet than a family member or friend. But if you think about it, it makes sense. Whats the worst possible loss one can experience? I'm guessing it's the loss of a child. Not to insult people with children in any way but many pet owners simulate their relationship with their dog as one of parent and child. How often have you heard someone say their dog is "my baby" or "part of the family" or my very own "we don't have kids, we have fur-kids" so it would stand to reason the level of grief is elevated. After all, in my estimation, there is no other being on the planet like a dog that relies solely upon us to take care of them for their entire life and in return gives us unconditional love and never judges us, never tries to change us, gets excited to see us return whether we leave for a minute or a month, doesn't get mad if we leave dishes in the sink or come home late or leave the toilet seat up, loves us for who we are and doesn't care if we lounge around in our sweats all weekend or how much we weigh or what our breath smells like (in fact they'd much rather we didn't brush out teeth quite so much) or if we hog the blankets, eat the last of the ice cream or drink out of the milk jug (just as long as we don't drink out of the toilet--hey that's their territory!). It's as true and honestly unconditional as you can get. No other relationship on earth is like that. No wonder our world crumbles when we lose our best friend. I know I will crumble when I lose Alexis but it's a fact of life that I can do nothing about so I will crumble but I will put the pieces back together. The pain in the end will be worth it for all the joy that preceded it. That's certainly not something we feel at the time of the loss but it's true anyway. There was a time that I thought about my late Cornelius in such a way that "this is it, I could never love another dog as much as I love him; no way no how" but never say never and here I am thinking that very thing about Alexis. But to be totally cheesy and coin a phrase from a very popular song, i know my heart will go on. My heart breaks wide open every time this earth loses a dog but each crack inside makes more room to love the next dog that comes into our life. "

Stolen Identity

By now, most of you know that we lost our beloved Alexis suddenly last week to what we believe to be a heart attack. She passed at home with me by her side, in her bed, under her favorite "woobie" that she had since she was a pup. It's a devastating loss. So if this post makes little or no sense or tends to ramble and babble on, well, then tough shit. Oops must be in the "anger" stage of my grief.

My heart is broken. My tear supply is gone. My soul is empty. My mind is numb. This page is blank. I don't know what to write. I don't know what to do. And I don't know who I am. So I keep myself bizzy to avoid the volcano eruption that is bubbling beneath this everything-is-fine-I'm-ok-don't-worry-about-me surface. I'm Doberman tough after all.

They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone (whoever the hell THEY are). Screw them, I knew exactly what I had! I had a sweet, amazing, incredible, strong, gentle dog that I was literally in love with, in awe of, and had a once in a life time connection with. A dog that I am ever so grateful for having in my life for almost 12 years. A dog that I fooled myself into believing would live forever. I just didn't realize how much of my identity had become being this Doberman's owner. Doberman this, Doberman that. Doberman pictures. Doberman quotes. Doberman screen savers. Doberman hats. Doberman tee shirts. Doberman friends. Doberman envy. Feed the Doberman. Ask the Doberman if she wants to go out. Let the Doberman back in. Let her back out. Watch in awe as the Doberman sprints around the yard. Tell Doberman not to eat the snakes. Play fetch with the Doberman. Watch Doberman play with all her day care friends. Bring Doberman over her BFF Willow's house to hang. Be awakened by the Doberman to snuggle. Be nudged by the Doberman when she wants something. Try to figure out what it is the Doberman wants. Be followed into every room by Doberman. Don't stray too far from home so you can get back soon to be with the Doberman. Don't go on vacation because you'll miss the Doberman too much. Jump up to get to the door before the Doberman does when someone knocks. Let the Doberman out on the front porch when suspicious characters are around the neighborhood. Blog about Doberman. Post Doberman pics on Facebook. Beware of Doberman signs. Doberman farts! (Don't laugh--ok you can laugh but it's a big part of who a Doberman is. Hey they're gassy!) Fluff the Dobermans bed. Take Doberman on trips to pet store to pick out toys and bones. Receive Doberman kisses & Doberman high fives. Dance with Doberman. Do Yoga with Doberman. Have snowball fights with Doberman. Take naps with Doberman. Buy matching ottoman as one of Doberman's beds. Watch Doberman fall asleep standing up with head in laps of friends and family who come to visit. Watch Doberman turn fearful people into ones who look forward to seeing her again. Take pictures of Doberman when she's not looking. Take pictures of Doberman when she is looking. Hug Doberman. Kiss Doberman. Touch Doberman every five seconds. Twirl Dobermans ears. Sing our song to Doberman. Tell Doberman you love her more than anything in life. Beg Doberman not to leave you. Ask Doberman what'll I ever do without her. So much for not knowing what to write. But I still don't know who I am.

Attack Of The Killer Snow Shovel

...Sounds like a good title for a Stephen King book doesn't it? There's this one quirk that Alexis has that has puzzled us since the very first snow storm she ever experienced as a pup. If she's in the vicinity while your shoveling snow she will attack the shovel! Best as I can tell she thinks the shovel is an evil monster. She crouches down, bites and barks at it. It's funny to see and hard to explain because it's not her usual I'm-gonna-get-you-sucka bark. It's more like a combination of her "help I'm stuck" bark peppered with her "c'mon let's play" bark with a dash of "i want to kill you." (My friend The Queen of Cuisine will simply love my food references) She even started to do it to the rake in the fall. Could it be that Alexis simply doesn't care for yard work!? Like mother like daughter!

Mad at God today

I know being mad at God is about as illogical a thought as you can have but I'm no Mr Spock so mad at God is how I feel today. I know it's wrong but I'm sure many have felt this way at one point or another in their life. I don't get mad at God very often, in fact it's a very rare occasion. Life is wonderful, life is great and when it's not; bring it on God, gimme your best shot. I'm gonna bounce back no matter what, just give me the strength to get through it is all I ask. EXCEPT when a dog dies. THAT takes me a little lower and a little longer to bounce back from that dark place. My heart shatters into a million tiny little puzzle pieces every time this world loses a dog. And it's been a pretty rough several months in the passing-of-dogs department. We lost Brady, Daisy Mae, Cinnamon and now Ty, a 5 year old amazing Boxer who had debilitating bone cancer that had to be put down yesterday. These aren't my own dogs, they are dogs I take care of for my clients but I treat them and love them as if they were my own and they died too young. Ty died too young dammit! And that's really why I'm mad at God today. If I'm mad can you imagine how their owners feel? I weep for their sorrow. I sob for the dogs pain and passing. I cry for myself that I'll never see them again. How can i NOT be mad at God? Surely there are other creatures on this planet that are ripe for the taking; a wild animal just hit by a car needing to be put out of its misery. Or an elderly patient suffering from end stage cancer. Or a criminally insane death row inmate convicted of doing unspeakable things. Or a young driver in a car accident laying in a coma never to recover. Surely, surely God you can take them and leave us to love our dogs just a little bit longer. A selfish request, I know. One for which I will not apologize. The only thing that can keep us going is the wonderful memories. We must somehow find solace in knowing that a body is just a living, breathing, temporary container that begins to die the minute it's born that houses our spirit. When the body dies that spirit moves on to live in places that we are unaware of except for that little bit of spirit that takes up residence in our hearts forever. Once we get past the grief we should consider ourselves lucky if we have a dog's spirit living in our heart.

R.I.P. Ty 3/20/05 - 11/21/10

Forgive me Father for I have sinned....

...it has been four months since my last blog post. At least i THINK that's one of the deadly sins right? I think ten hail Mary's oughtta put me back in the blog God's good graces.

Well it certainly was a super bizzy summah! I had dogs galore all summer and Dave was up to his eyeballs in property maintenance jobs (WHAT recession??). He spent just about every weekend working which leaves me time to lounge by the pool, true, but I don't like to swim alone (must be fear of that whole pesky drowning thing ... Don't wanna end up like William Shatner's wife now do we?) so I didn't get to enjoy the pool all that much, on the weekends anyway.

As most summers go there were parties and BBQ's and beach trips and our jam packed end-of-summer vacation. I know, I know, it seems like we JUST got back from Bermuda and there we were taking time off again. Time flies when you're having rum though, oops spell checker must have missed that one...time flies when you're having FUN!!

We did some pretty amazing stuff on vacation:
-Codzilla
-Block Island
-Jim Gaffigan comedy show
-Plymouth Waterfront Festival
-Annual Wrentham Outlet shopping trip
-Labor Day Karaoke party

Needless to say it was all good clean wholesome fun up until the Labor Day karaoke party. Cuz lets face it; ya gotta be highly intoxificated (made up word) to do Karaoke (well atleast I do) and my poison of choice was Smirnoff Vodka. Anyone who knows me knows that i ONLY drink Absolute if I'm drinking "vokka". I've tried and tested them all in every night club, divey bar, limo ride and back yard party there is and Absolute gives me the least after-effects the next day so I've sworn off all others, even Grey Goose but ESPECIALLY Smirnoff...Normally I drink Black Opal Shiraz wine which also results in nary a hangover but Smirnoff was all that was available at this party so I took a chance. Oh what a super fun, ugly, messy, vomitous, blacked-out chance it was. (Go ahead, I'll wait here while you google "vomitous" to see if i made up that word too). Anyway, there's nothing like a good, summer's end hangover with dry heaves to make you crawl under a rock for two days and put you on the mother of all wagons for a few months. I'm just now tip-toeing myself back into the world of Shiraz (just in time for he holidays)...Vodka might take a while longer, or will it?

BERMUDA SHOW & TELL

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND-AND-ROUND
yup that's right we rode a school bus en route to the Falcon Pier, Boston. We took the commuter rail to South Station (way WAY cheaper than a cab) but who knew they were working on the tracks between Holbrook and Braintree for the next few months? (I never got the memo!) So they announced we would be shuttled by bus between these stops. Now I'm thinking Greyhound or the Plymouth-Brockton Bus...you know; tour bus type. Whenever we pulled into Holbrook station I just about fell off my chair and tripped over my jaw when i saw yellow school buses!! Yes apparently now I'm a bus snob.
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CANES, WALKERS, SCOOTERS, OH MY!
The Boston to Bermuda cruise is like the cruise of the living dead! Many, many senior citizens. And not that they shouldn't enjoy a nice vacation; hell they paid their dues but it just surprised the shit out of us how many feeble, hunched over, ghostly, elderly people with canes and walkers and YES even rented scooters monopolized the guest list on this cruise and chose a floating, heaving, hoeing, weaving, waving hotel as their destination. We saw several blue-heads take a flying leap! Screw life jackets; I hope they had extra hips on board!
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YOU KNOW YOUR ON VACATION WHEN...U DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT DOGS
except for the towel dog left on your bed by housekeeping that is. On a few of our excursions we made some friends and ended up at karaoke with them. Sitting around the table the conversation went to DOGS (always does) and i found it to be the LAST thing i wanted to talk about. I tuned out and did some chair dancing to the gawd awful karaoke going on in the background. Surprising, i know; Amy didn't want to talk about dogs! Kinda like Glenn Beck not breaking into a crying fit on air or Donald Trump not wanting to fire someone.

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WHERE CUP HOLDERS OUGHTTA BE
I don't have a picture of this one but DANG i wish i did...there were actually cup holders in the stalls of the restrooms all over the ship. Ishityounot! No pun intended. (In the stall next to me were a mom and her little girl screaming "I want daddy!!!!!" ...yeah that'd be me if we ever had kids cuz, after all, everybody loves Dave! 'quite an epiphanic moment for me)

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WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE?
No island vacation would be complete without the ridiculously expensive SWIM WITH DOLPHINS excursion. We were gonna scrap it because of the price but Dave won $300 at roulette (go 21!!) which paid for MOST of the excursion. It was INCREDIBLY EXHILARATING! I highly recommend this excursion on any vacation! Even if you're a water-phobe like me!
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VIEW OF KINGS WHARF BERMUDA FROM THE SHIP
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A FEW OF THOSE CHEESY, OVERPRICED, SHIPS PHOTOGRAPHER PHOTOS THAT YOU MUST HAVE!!
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WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT!!
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WE SURVIVED THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE AND LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT
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DAVE'S GQ POSE
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MARTINI'S NEED PROTECTION FROM THE SUNS GLARE TOO YA KNOW!
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RANDOM PICS:













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IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

5/21/10
There's nothing like going on vacation to make you appreciate coming home. Vacation was awesome but I had a shit-eatin grin on my face the whole ride back to Middleboro (often referred to as Wheel barrel). I couldn't wait to get back to my dogs, my house, my bed, my life! I even gave my car "Ruby" a hug when I got out of the cab. (Ok we've already pointed out that I'm crazy so hugging my car should HARDLY come as a shock to you.) I felt like George Bailey when he got his life back as he ran through Beford Falls with such excitement at the reunion with the wonderful old Bailey Building & Loan, the Emporium, the Movie House and even Mr. potter and not to mention the rickety stair ballast post at home in his drafty old house! I finally figured out why going far away is hard for me. I LOVE my life! So why do I need to leave it? That's not to say I don't like taking time off from work; cuz I love that too. I just prefer to take it off at home. I don't need a vacation from life, just from work. Home Sweet Home!

Incidentally, "It's A Wonderful Life" was originally going to be the name of this blog but it was already taken.

I DIDN'T BLOG WHILE ON VACATION BUT I HAVE A FEW INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY ABOUT IT SO STAY TUNED FOR POSTS AND PHOTOS FROM BERMUDA!!

Dear Vacation Diary, Installment 7

5/10/10
Dear Diary,
OMG! OMG! vacation is just four days away! I'm half-way between excited and overwhelmed. There's so much to do and plan...and OMG I'M LEAVING MY DOGS FOR SEVEN EFFING DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! < < SLAP > > Thanks I needed that! As a person who takes care of dogs for a living I see people come and go on vacation and leave their dogs like it's just another day of the week. Why, oh why, can't i?

Dear Vacation Diary, Installment 6

5/8/10
Dear Diary,
Our trip is just under a week away...It could just be from sheer exhaustion because I was Dave's job site slave today and my sciatica is actin up but I have very little excitement at the moment about this trip. I think it's a survival-mechanism; one of my brains inner panic-prevention measures. Instead of getting all worked up, all emotion is removed so I feel nothing. Yeah, just wait until the night before the trip, there will be an avalanche of emotion and I'll be doing the conga in the kitchen! The trial sleep over with the dogs at Lisa's went great last night except for a little wee-wee accident and trying to walk on the pool cover. (Apparently they are NOT strong enough for an elephant to walk on like the commercial says...so any of you that HAVE an elephant, don't let them walk on the pool cover.) Nobody got in a fight, nobody escaped and nobody got scooped up by a chicken-hawk! But still, I have little motivation to prepare for this trip by digging out summer clothes from storage in the basement and washing them, packing, packaging the dogs food for their stay at auntie Lisa's, get a mani-pedi, color my hair, organize our passports & cruise tickets, arrange for a ride to Boston AND clean the house. That's right, clean the house! I can't possibly be the only one who likes to come home to a clean house after vacation, can i? Oh it's just one of my many quirks...And apparently I like the added pressure of jUsT oNe MoRe EfFiNg tHiNg on the to-do list!! I'm a huge procrastinator and last-minute-lucy when it comes to any monumental task. I blame that on Scarlett O'Hara, she's the one who taught me! "But I can't think about that right now. If I do I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." Scarlett came up with the best ways for dealing with stress...I'll take her cue!

Dear Vacation Diary, Installment 5

5/7/10
Dear Diary,
We dropped the dogs off earlier tonight at auntie Lisa's for their trial sleep over. Annabelle sniffed around here, there and everywhere then went out side and pee'd here there and everywhere. Alexis, having been to Lisa's before, felt right at home and went straight for the doggie toy box but noticed a cardboard box next to the fish tank and was eyeballing that for a good chew instead. (Cardboard trumps ALL dog toys just so you know!) Go figure. Back at home, the house is quiet and empty tonight without them. I hope I can sleep. 'Trying not to let my neurotic thoughts run away with me. Runnin runnin and runnin runnin.

Dear Vacation Diary, Installment 4

4/22/10
Dear Diary,
ok, just added another wart to the worry list: Lisa has a huge plate glass window in her living room. What if Alexis sees the UPS guy or a cat or a bird or a leaf and jumps through it????????????? It could happen.

Dear Vacation Diary, Installment 3

4/8/10
Dear Diary,
Before going to, appropriately enough for me and Lisa, a Mexican silver jewelry party tonight we headed out for a pre-party glass of wine at a trendy Plymouth waterfront local spot that had funky lamps on the bar made of barbie dolls sitting in mini Adirondack chairs. So cute! So cool! Of course the topic of our dogs came up--always does. We love them so! Lisa asked what am i so afraid of when I leave the dogs with her to go on vacation. Gee when you ask it so simple and 'matterafact like that, I almost couldn't come up with anything logical. My answer would only give her another sneak peak into the well hidden, crazy inner-workings of my mind. Aside from the hawk paranoia, I'm not entirely confident in Alexis' ability to sleep away from home with someone who works full time without having an all out panic-shit-yourself-attack. It's not uncommon for dogs to have a nervous bowel movement. I see it all the time in new dogs to the daycare group. Often on their first day they'll have to make a bowel movement within seconds of arriving and if i miss the signs, my kitchen floor is just as good as a patch of grass in the yard. Alexis does what Dave and I jokingly refer to as a "stress poop" but I assure you it's nothing funny! If she is stressed out over a long period of time it will eventually result in a diarrhea poop explosion. So I told Lisa of this delightful little tidbit. She was surprisingly unphased by it and said poop can be cleaned up, don't' worry about it so i said ok. Now that we have the hawk thing covered and the poop thing covered things are looking up.