One Year Later

Sunday will be a year since Alexis died. There I said it. One whole year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,766 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,556,925 seconds. Count it out however you want Google, for me it's been an eternity in hell yet somehow seems like yesterday that I watched her die. Quite possibly the toughest year I've had in a long time, if not ever. I've lost many people and pets in my lifetime and I always bounce back. Always! But Alexis was special in so many ways for so many reasons. For starters she was my very first doberman that I raised from a puppy. That's no snub to Tzeal that I adopted some 20 plus years ago and all the Dobies I grew up with. Second Alexis and I were so deeply connected that I swear she could read my mind. No, really! I could be in the other room and call to her mentally and she would come. Or I could be laying in bed and her across the room on the floor and i would quietly reach out my hand and mentally call her and she would awake and climb into bed with me. (Ok crazy Amy tell us another one!)

I finally feel like I'm coming out of the grief-fog that has enveloped my life like mist on a swamp. I dont cry EVERY day anymore. Although it wouldn't take much to get me sobbing (one of "our songs") or teary eyed (seeing someone walking their Dobie down the street). I dont think of her every single second; more like every other minute. I don't quite feel anymore as though this has been a really, really long bad dream. My words are trepedatious. I dare not say I'm over it, not over her. That won't happen for a long time, if ever. But atleast I feel like I'm moving on and letting go even if just a little bit. I wonder what this time next year will feel like?

I often wonder if i got jipped or lucked out with the way she died. Although she was almost 12 years old when she passed, you'd never know it. She was otherwise healthy, active, vibrant and youthful. No arthritis, not much gray in her muzzle, no chronic illness that would normally bestow an older dog. People and veterinarians could not believe she was nearly 12 years old. They always guessed around 5 years old. I loved to play that "guess how old she is" game! Her vibrance was my greatest accomplishment. I'm so used to watching my dogs grow old and feeble, using up every drop of life that was left and then taking them to their final sleep when the time was right and be left with that feebleness as the last memory. That's how it was always done. That's how it's SUPPOSED to be done. I don't know if watching her fade away would have been any easier than her sudden departure but I do know that Alexis will always be young. She will always be beautiful. For that I am greatful.