It's Easier To Pawn Off A Yorkie Than It Is A Doberman

First, let me say thanks for all the comments and emails about my last blog "What's In A Name." All your positive feedback was tremendous and I truly appreciate all the support. Apparently you all like it when Amy let's a little bit of crazy outta the bottle once in a while!

As for this blog; Who knew that when we got a Doberman we'd never go on vacation ever again. Sure, EVERYONE wants to take your Yorkies, but who is qualified to take your Doberman? In fact, you'd have better luck getting someone to take TEN Yorkies easier than just ONE Doberman. Anyway, when Alexis was around 8 months old--(or somewhere around 8 months; it could have been 6 months old for all i remember, after all, we ARE relying on 43 year old memory cells here but geesh I hope it wasn't six months old and you'll understand why IF I ever get to the point. I DID warn you in my very first blog about my run-on sentences, didn't i??)--Dave and I wanted to go up to Ogunquit, Maine for our anniversary (where we got engagged...yes "engagged") but what to do with the dogs for the night? Ask your fabulous neighbors Helen and Al to check in on them, that's what! Simple task right? Sure, no problem! The Yorkies get free reign of the west wing and, for the Fup-Fup, we'll just put up a baby gate at the end of the hall and she can have free reign of the east wing. Yeah like we had a mansion or something! NOT! This was all a piece of cake! In theory anyway. We packed up the car and headed north young man! We wined, we dined, we shopped, we shmyed (that's Yiddish for browsing...go ahead, google it. I'll wait). [Elevator muzak plays the Jeopardy Theme while we wait] See, told ya! Back to the story (Boy, you people get distracted easy). As we headed back to our hotel later in the evening we got a frantic call from Helen that Alexis was trying to attack Al. Of course, I was in absolute and utter denial at these shocking allegations about my sweet-adorable-angel-puppy! Helen had sent Al over to let the dogs out; Yorkies, no problem. Doberman, not so much. The baby gate was placed at the end of a long hall way so when Al, a man's man, approached the hallway and his large, tall, shadowy figure filled the entry way it must have scared the bajeezus out of Alexis and she went into attack mode. (Bajeezus was Jesus Christ's evil twin brother who could scare the crap out of the devil himself.) As the story goes, she was snarling and growling and barking at Al, who, although a formidable opponent to an 8 month old Doberman, wasn't gonna touch that with a ten foot pole! What exactly WOULD someone touch with a ten foot pole by the way?? A dead body? A leper? That one always puzzled me! You can talk amongst yourselves on that one when you're done reading...Back to the story...Where were we? Oh yes...Ogunquit, some 120 miles away. We might as well have been on the moon! What the hell were we to do? We instructed Helen and Al to just leave Alexis be for the night and if she has to "relieve" herself in the hallway (on my beautiful hard wood floors) then that's what will be and we'll deal with the mess in the morning when we get back. AND "RELIEF" THERE WAS!! But I'm sure you don't want to hear about that! You do? OK...NO!

And so began Lexi's gate/barrier aggression. To this day, at 10 years old, if you are standing on the other side of any gate she will go absolutely bonkers at you and you'll probably crap your pants...Unless of course you are Lisa Henning whom Lexi loves ...or a Jehovah's Witness; they don't crap their pants for ANYTHING! However, once you are inside the gate with her (Which we typically don't have a habit of letting Jehovah's inside just so ya know) she's a big ole pussycat! SHHHH don't tell the robbers!! Needless to say because of this incident, plus the time Cornelius was attacked at my sisters by the neighbors' German Shepherd AND my ridiculous co-dependence on my animals, AND my need for control AND my overall lack of trust of anyone to take care of my animals, we have only gone on ONE traditional vacation in the last 10 years. All our vacations have been planned around the dogs so that we can bring them along; RVing, renting summer cottages, day tripping, etc. A few times we even brought the cats and the litter box! Yes, you can call me crazy but I think we already established that in my "WHATS IN A NAME" blog so calling me crazy at this point is just overstating the blatantly obvious to which I say "I am rubber, you are glue, crazy bounces off me and sticks to you".

Hmmm, let's see, what current event shall I comment on today? The Cambridge Police vs. Professor Gates mess? Nah! How Michael Jackson went to a va-jay-jay doctor for a pimple? Nope! Brides trashing their wedding dresses? Ugh! Mischa Barton's bizarre behavior? Puh-Lease! Sarah Palin's continued idiocy? Shoot me! Crazy ex-American Idol contestant Alexis Cohen dies? Nyet! Actor Stephen Baldwin declares bankruptcy? DILLIGAF! The Youtube wedding boogie sensation? This is news?! Health Care Reform? Cough-Cough! Lance blows Tour De France? Non! The Massachusetts Sales Tax hike? Bring on the tea party! OK apparently I'm not in the mood to talk current events today...I blame Noreen & Steve's party last night! I'm really only in the mood for McD's today! aaah those Golden greasy Arches.

And so it goes...until my next blog I leave you with this: "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."

WOOF! WOOF!

What's In A Name?

Well hello again! You came back for my third blog post! Thanks, I just love you for that! Kind of like moth to a flame, bees to honey (or bears, which ever you prefer), like a dog to a bone, like a Hollywood brat to an Oscar, you came back. You love me, you REALLY love me! Well off we go!

When last we blogged, we had gone back in time to summer 1999 and we had just picked up Alexis from the breeder to take her home. Of course our little canine alien didn't know her name yet and I should mention that up until my Alexis name brain flash, her AKC registered name was Voyager. What can I say, the breeder had a thing for Star Trek or Star Wars or Battle Star Galactica or Pigs in Space, I dunno! But all her pups were named after the series. Oh yes! some of the other puppies' AKC names were Live Long N Prosper, Red Alert, Stargazer and Seven of Nine just to name a few...and her fathers name was Kobayashi Maru. But I don't imagine that the breeder was calling out to them as "Voyager, Red Alert, Live Long and Prosper, come and get a cookie" or anything like that. Needless to say Alexis didn't answer to any name just yet. Her breeder suggested that we use a short nick name like "pup-pup" in a high pitched voice when trying to get her to learn to come when called. FYI, having chopped up hot dogs in your pocket doesn't hurt either! So while she learned to bond with us we used pup-pup. "Here pup-pup!" "Good pup-pup!"

Like every pet name I've ever had for my animals they evolve and morph themselves into other nick names. Ok, they don't morph themselves; it's my over active brain that does all the work but still. Here's some crazy examples for ya! My cat Zig-Zag has several aliases and BUHlieve me, he knows them all for there is hope, with every call out, that a tasty morsel might be on the other end. Besides, he thinks he's a dog but that's a story for another blog. Anyway, If Zig was on America's Most Wanted, his list of a/k/a's would rival Santa's naughty/nice list for sure and would read something like this: Zig-Zag Kitty, Kitty Burrito, Fat Kitty, Kidgy, Boop Kitty, Upsidedown Kitty, Coo-coo Kitty and Coo-Coo-Machoo. My other cat, Tiny-Tim, just has one nick name; Tiny Kat but he seems ok with that. Then there's my late Yorkie, Cornelius T. Lovejoy, who had many nick names over his 15 year life; Schnooki-bum, Corndog, Corndognelius, Buddy Boy. My dad even had a nick name for him; Seargent York. Annabelle Lee Vixen, my 12 year old Yorkie, has a litany of nick names too; Annabelly-Feet-so-smelly (which is actually Dave's brainchild), Fancy Pants or Fancy Britches and sometimes Fancy Bitches but also Fantasy Pants because when my niece was young she would pronounce Fancy as "Fantasy". Annabelle is also sometimes referred to as Patty Pissy Pants...no explanation needed!

Just to expand upon my insanity for you, even my daycare and boarding dogs have been given nick names. (Oy this is gonna be a LONG blog post!) It goes something like this:
Bailey H: Little Bailey, Bailey Bump and Bumpy Lump
Bailey W: Big Bailey
Boomer: Boom-Boom
Brady: Barr Brady and Bo Brady
Cassie: Cassy-Q
Cazzy: Cazzy Boy
Cinnamon: Cimanum and Cinny
Cocoa & Dakota: Cocoa-Wee and Kota Face
Cody & Daisy: Codeeee and Daisy-BunnyRabbit-Jackolope
Daisy Mae: Miss Daisy and Dazy Mazy
Dory: Dory Dory Blaze of Glory
Duncan: Dugga-Dugga
Emily: Miss 'Em and Emery
Ginger & Marianne: Gingie and Mara'ane
Hamlet and Shyla: Hammet and Shy-Shy
Libby: Libby Gurl
Lucy: Loosey-Goosey
Magnus and Lili: Magnish and LillyBillz
Max K: Maxy boy
Max L: Me-Mi-Mo-Maximus
Mocha: Mocha Face
Monty & Roxie: Drooley-bum and Rocks
Oscar: Oscarbibble
Patriot: Patey and Pay-Pay
Pippi: Pip-Pip and Pipster
Puddy: Puddin Head
Remy: Ding, short for Rema-lema-ding-dong
Roxy: Roxycute
Ruby: Booby-Boob
Sadie: Shady Banana
Sammie: Sammie So-So
Sassy: Sassafrass
Seirra: Sahara
Shadow: Pant-Licker and Mr Beasley
Sonny: Sunny-Bunny
Teddy: Tigger
Ty: Tie Bow/Bow Tie
Willow: Willy-Whistle
Wrigley: Wiggly

Why, even I have nick-names...My dad used to call me "Half Pint" when I was a little girl as I frolicked down the flowery hillside in my gunnysack dress...oh wait, that was Little House On The Prairie, never mind! But you can see what I mean about the name-morphing. So it goes without saying that Alexis' Pup-Pup nick name has been morphing for some 10 years now...let's meander down memory lane and see what other monstrosities Amy's brain has come up with, shall we? Somehow Pup-pup became Fup-Fup (I'm not sure how we jumped from P to F but it's the letter from which most future nick names for Alexis spawned)...so then Fup-Fup became Fuffa which turned into Fuffa-Noo (thanks again, Dave) only to later become Folena and that became Folena Phalandri (sort of a spoof of Pheobe Buffay's alias character on the show Friends; Regina Phalange...No, not her Princess Consuela Bananahammock alias.) Then Folena become Flibbity Jibitz...then that became Flim-Flam and that later morphed into a rant of Folena-Flim-Flam-Flibbity-Jibitz along with a pat on the head any time we crossed paths in the house. If she's so inclined, she might also answer to Lexi, Lexi-lue and My Pretty Pony (again, don't ask! I should really just start each blog with a "don't ask" disclaimer.) Boy, spell checker is going to have a field day with this blog post!

OY now that i see all this nick-name-nonsense in writing I appear to be a certifiable loon! They're coming to take me away! But c'mon people, tell me you don't have silly pet names for YOUR pets? Don't scoff! In fact, let's hear from you in my comments section about your silly pet nick-names!! Don't be shy...See if you can out-do crazy Amy the dog lady! OOPS i just gave myself a nick name! LOL

I'm skipping today's current event mention. I am, instead, dedicating this post to the late "Whitey" Neal who recently went to doggie heaven. Our thoughts are with the Neal Family.

Until my next blog, I leave you with this: "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face".

WOOF! WOOF!