It's Easier To Pawn Off A Yorkie Than It Is A Doberman

First, let me say thanks for all the comments and emails about my last blog "What's In A Name." All your positive feedback was tremendous and I truly appreciate all the support. Apparently you all like it when Amy let's a little bit of crazy outta the bottle once in a while!

As for this blog; Who knew that when we got a Doberman we'd never go on vacation ever again. Sure, EVERYONE wants to take your Yorkies, but who is qualified to take your Doberman? In fact, you'd have better luck getting someone to take TEN Yorkies easier than just ONE Doberman. Anyway, when Alexis was around 8 months old--(or somewhere around 8 months; it could have been 6 months old for all i remember, after all, we ARE relying on 43 year old memory cells here but geesh I hope it wasn't six months old and you'll understand why IF I ever get to the point. I DID warn you in my very first blog about my run-on sentences, didn't i??)--Dave and I wanted to go up to Ogunquit, Maine for our anniversary (where we got engagged...yes "engagged") but what to do with the dogs for the night? Ask your fabulous neighbors Helen and Al to check in on them, that's what! Simple task right? Sure, no problem! The Yorkies get free reign of the west wing and, for the Fup-Fup, we'll just put up a baby gate at the end of the hall and she can have free reign of the east wing. Yeah like we had a mansion or something! NOT! This was all a piece of cake! In theory anyway. We packed up the car and headed north young man! We wined, we dined, we shopped, we shmyed (that's Yiddish for browsing...go ahead, google it. I'll wait). [Elevator muzak plays the Jeopardy Theme while we wait] See, told ya! Back to the story (Boy, you people get distracted easy). As we headed back to our hotel later in the evening we got a frantic call from Helen that Alexis was trying to attack Al. Of course, I was in absolute and utter denial at these shocking allegations about my sweet-adorable-angel-puppy! Helen had sent Al over to let the dogs out; Yorkies, no problem. Doberman, not so much. The baby gate was placed at the end of a long hall way so when Al, a man's man, approached the hallway and his large, tall, shadowy figure filled the entry way it must have scared the bajeezus out of Alexis and she went into attack mode. (Bajeezus was Jesus Christ's evil twin brother who could scare the crap out of the devil himself.) As the story goes, she was snarling and growling and barking at Al, who, although a formidable opponent to an 8 month old Doberman, wasn't gonna touch that with a ten foot pole! What exactly WOULD someone touch with a ten foot pole by the way?? A dead body? A leper? That one always puzzled me! You can talk amongst yourselves on that one when you're done reading...Back to the story...Where were we? Oh yes...Ogunquit, some 120 miles away. We might as well have been on the moon! What the hell were we to do? We instructed Helen and Al to just leave Alexis be for the night and if she has to "relieve" herself in the hallway (on my beautiful hard wood floors) then that's what will be and we'll deal with the mess in the morning when we get back. AND "RELIEF" THERE WAS!! But I'm sure you don't want to hear about that! You do? OK...NO!

And so began Lexi's gate/barrier aggression. To this day, at 10 years old, if you are standing on the other side of any gate she will go absolutely bonkers at you and you'll probably crap your pants...Unless of course you are Lisa Henning whom Lexi loves ...or a Jehovah's Witness; they don't crap their pants for ANYTHING! However, once you are inside the gate with her (Which we typically don't have a habit of letting Jehovah's inside just so ya know) she's a big ole pussycat! SHHHH don't tell the robbers!! Needless to say because of this incident, plus the time Cornelius was attacked at my sisters by the neighbors' German Shepherd AND my ridiculous co-dependence on my animals, AND my need for control AND my overall lack of trust of anyone to take care of my animals, we have only gone on ONE traditional vacation in the last 10 years. All our vacations have been planned around the dogs so that we can bring them along; RVing, renting summer cottages, day tripping, etc. A few times we even brought the cats and the litter box! Yes, you can call me crazy but I think we already established that in my "WHATS IN A NAME" blog so calling me crazy at this point is just overstating the blatantly obvious to which I say "I am rubber, you are glue, crazy bounces off me and sticks to you".

Hmmm, let's see, what current event shall I comment on today? The Cambridge Police vs. Professor Gates mess? Nah! How Michael Jackson went to a va-jay-jay doctor for a pimple? Nope! Brides trashing their wedding dresses? Ugh! Mischa Barton's bizarre behavior? Puh-Lease! Sarah Palin's continued idiocy? Shoot me! Crazy ex-American Idol contestant Alexis Cohen dies? Nyet! Actor Stephen Baldwin declares bankruptcy? DILLIGAF! The Youtube wedding boogie sensation? This is news?! Health Care Reform? Cough-Cough! Lance blows Tour De France? Non! The Massachusetts Sales Tax hike? Bring on the tea party! OK apparently I'm not in the mood to talk current events today...I blame Noreen & Steve's party last night! I'm really only in the mood for McD's today! aaah those Golden greasy Arches.

And so it goes...until my next blog I leave you with this: "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."

WOOF! WOOF!