I finally just finished my video tribute to Alexis yesterday. I've been trying to bring myself to work on it for 4 months and just couldn't do it; part procrastination/part denial because if I don't do the video then she's not really gone. I also haven't been blogging consistently for several months either. I didn't want my blog to become a sad graveyard but all I felt like writing about was how sad I am so in typical Amy fashion, i avoided it. But today I got inspired. I was catching up on the Queen of Cuisine's blog posts and read the one about her divorce (I'm such a bad friend and haven't read it in weeks and I know how she loves to get comments) A blog post about a divorce is an odd place to find inspiration, I know, but inspiration can come from anywhere and it usually comes just when you need it. I thought if The Queen, who keeps her feelings closer to her vest than I do, can put it all out there then so can I. That's what a blog is for isn't it? After all it was The Queen who inspired me to start this blog in the first place....And I'm so amazingly fabulous that people want to hear what I have to say whether it's good, bad, happy or sad. RIGHT? LOL I'm so full of myself!
Believe it or not when Alexis died I was perfectly ok with it; alright, maybe not perfectly ok. I bawled but my utter gratitude for having this amazing animal in my life kept me from really feeling any grief at all. (thank you The Secret) After the first several days there was really no crying, just pure gratitude and lots of denial and bits of anger. I literally had to force myself to cry. I was worried at the lack of emotion over losing something that I told myself for 12 years I would not be able to live without. I thought there was something wrong with me but I also knew that my brain was probably in survival mode and the real grief would come soon enough so enjoy this while you can.
Shortly after Alexis died I went to a birthday party for a friend. I was a little nervous to drink because that usually sets emotions free and gets the waterworks started...nope! Shortly after that we went to dinner with friends and ended up at karaoke. Translation; copious amounts of drinking and vomiting but still no crying. Shortly after that was my own birthday party...drinks ahoy, bar hopping, no driving, party-party-party but still no waterworks ...Hey maybe I should have called this blog "My Kingdom For A Drink!" But then slowly somewhere into the 4th month after Alexis died (which seems like a friggin eternity by the way) the sadness has crept up on me. I told Dave I think I'm a little depressed and he said "oh, you're more than just a little depressed." Here I thought I was hiding it so well. I've apparently approached the curled-into-a-ball-weeping-inconsolably stage of grief (no, that's not in the handbook) and I cry every day now. Certain songs make me cry. Certain moments make me cry. Pictures make me cry. I cry driving in my car....hell, a tampon commercial makes me cry! It starts off as a weepy sadness then that burning in your nose starts and then comes the sobbing. I have little control over it so I just let it happen. Yes I'm crying right now in case you were wondering. Tito get me a tissue! (Thank God I still have my sense of humor!) I'm just so lost, weak and broken with out her I don't know what to do. The other night I missed her so bad that I asked her--no, I begged her to come to me in a dream and SHE DID! It was soooo real; she was curled up in bed with me. It was a great dream; one of those dreams that when you woke up you thought it was real...but it triggered a lot of emotion that won't stop rushing to the surface. There's nothing I can do I guess so again in another form of typical Amy fashion, I'll just write about it.
Believe it or not when Alexis died I was perfectly ok with it; alright, maybe not perfectly ok. I bawled but my utter gratitude for having this amazing animal in my life kept me from really feeling any grief at all. (thank you The Secret) After the first several days there was really no crying, just pure gratitude and lots of denial and bits of anger. I literally had to force myself to cry. I was worried at the lack of emotion over losing something that I told myself for 12 years I would not be able to live without. I thought there was something wrong with me but I also knew that my brain was probably in survival mode and the real grief would come soon enough so enjoy this while you can.
Shortly after Alexis died I went to a birthday party for a friend. I was a little nervous to drink because that usually sets emotions free and gets the waterworks started...nope! Shortly after that we went to dinner with friends and ended up at karaoke. Translation; copious amounts of drinking and vomiting but still no crying. Shortly after that was my own birthday party...drinks ahoy, bar hopping, no driving, party-party-party but still no waterworks ...Hey maybe I should have called this blog "My Kingdom For A Drink!" But then slowly somewhere into the 4th month after Alexis died (which seems like a friggin eternity by the way) the sadness has crept up on me. I told Dave I think I'm a little depressed and he said "oh, you're more than just a little depressed." Here I thought I was hiding it so well. I've apparently approached the curled-into-a-ball-weeping-inconsolably stage of grief (no, that's not in the handbook) and I cry every day now. Certain songs make me cry. Certain moments make me cry. Pictures make me cry. I cry driving in my car....hell, a tampon commercial makes me cry! It starts off as a weepy sadness then that burning in your nose starts and then comes the sobbing. I have little control over it so I just let it happen. Yes I'm crying right now in case you were wondering. Tito get me a tissue! (Thank God I still have my sense of humor!) I'm just so lost, weak and broken with out her I don't know what to do. The other night I missed her so bad that I asked her--no, I begged her to come to me in a dream and SHE DID! It was soooo real; she was curled up in bed with me. It was a great dream; one of those dreams that when you woke up you thought it was real...but it triggered a lot of emotion that won't stop rushing to the surface. There's nothing I can do I guess so again in another form of typical Amy fashion, I'll just write about it.
I'm a firm believer in allowing yourself to feel your feelings even if it's only in private when no on else is around. Life is meant to be lived and FELT! That's how we grow, evolve and gain wisdom. I'm also a firm believer that time heals all wounds and I know this too shall pass and I will arrive at that place where a scab has formed on the wound and I can have fond memories of her without crumbling into a heap on the floor. But can someone please tell me when that's supposed to be so I can mark it on my calendar along with the end of the world, hell freezing over and pigs flying, thanks.
:(
ReplyDeleteSometimes, there just aren't words.